Tibetan Chavs, Temporal Trouble and Eternal Recurrence


You are in the House of Elders. You are there because things keep repeating endlessly. You imagine a single note rhythm bring played on a saz, and you are allowed in.

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Inside is a South American garden. Holy books are scattered around. You sit in the grassy carpet listening to unseen voices chant an invocation.
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Time shifts. You see the fine detail of insects carving through the air. A large yellowy fluffy moth lands on your head. He bites or stings your head. There is a moment of pain then deep joy. Others land on your head. They are fixing your temporal lobes. You feel ecstatic.
When they have finished, you feel your head, and there’s blood and scarring. You watch giant blue soldier ants walk off around a corner, sadly you realise you may never perceive this level of detail again.
You leave with the others, traveling down a funicular railway on a platform with a single bench. You are exhausted and want to go home.
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You step down stairs and you are back at school. David Cameron is handing out goody bags with certificates and course work in them. He tells you that you need to study Vaughan Williams and improve your grammar. You are glad to get this paperwork again. This time you will frame your certificate and value it.
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You leave with Sonny,  avoiding a street full of Tibetan chavs for an alternate route where the road itself is row after row of sculptures that you need to clamber over.
At the far end of the sculpture road, a band is playing the EasyPay song. Robbie Williams should be singing, but he’s in the loo.
You notice an EasyPay on the floor. A man from Victorian times picks it up. He has changed history by finding it. He asks you what it is. You scan his hands and tell him his name, age, and profession  (hat constructor). You know these from reading them in a history book. You then predict that his future involves a journey by water and tip him back over a wall into a canal.
You walk down to see Tom approaching. He has headphones on and is looking for his EasyPay.
You tell him he has effected history by losing it. You carry on together down the road, noticing that time is now speeding up, you struggle to walk on constantly updated surfaces, heading into a field you are surrounded by construction work constantly changing at high speed. You let others go ahead, you know you won’t be fast enough to keep up. Ahead you see Patrick Moore and Stephen Hawking moving along a tiled corridor.
You are getting in the shower. You seem to have an infinite number of jumpers on. When you take one off, there’s another underneath.
You head of to the Garden of the Elders with your friends to fix this perception of reoccurrence.

Multi-racial Kirk Confesses to Murder


You are staying with your brother, he’s concerned for your safety after your assassination attempt and bombing in Dublin. You hear a voice outside. Someone has recognised the bike you used to commit the attack. They come in the house and upstairs. Your brother implores you to hide. Instead, you beat your brother with a stick. A man enters the room. He’s glad to see you keeping a woman in her place and leaves. This changes the dynamic between you and your brother. You are now dominant.

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You are Captain Kirk. You are about to start at star fleet. You wear a Spanish dress in honour of your dead mother and a white dress uniform jacket and a small Scottish hat. You talk to your sister in Japanese. Your Japanese father enters, he tells you that Spock is here to take you to the academy.
You are afraid to leave, as the man who knows you are a murderer lives opposite. You decide to confess, and ask Spock to wait.
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Spock is concerned that you are a murderer. The academy needs people of action though. You start to drive away and are beamed up to an alien ship.

My Brothers Made Me a Mancunian Candidate


You are in Dublin. Your brothers have arranged for you to assassinate someone. They have conditioned you to obey any order over many, many years. You are wearing the black polo neck jumper that they made you associate  with playing violent games. Just putting it on you are in a trance like state.

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You have planted bombs in Pennsylvania to create a diversion and confusion. You then use a sniper rifle to kill the intended target. You struggle to get back to your brothers house. A guy gives you a lift in his van, up a narrow muddy path, that the rain is washing away. Tree roots are visible through the mud.
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You arrive at work. It has all changed. It is an office. There are no customers. It seems a pointless exercise in bureaucracy.
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You try to hitch a lift as you walk along an Irish country road, it meanders and rises and falls. In the distance are cloud topped mountains. You know that this is where your ancestral home is.
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Eventually you arrive at Andy, your brothers, house. You and Ken have left it in a mess. Andy and his family are back tomorrow. You tidy up a bit. You realise you don’t have any idea where you are or how to get home. You try to use their iPad, but it is stuck in an app displaying old family photos and animated gifs.
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You have an old phone with weird predictive text. You can’t say what you want to to your brothers. It is very frustrating.
Andy and Cath return home early. You were hoping to be gone before they arrived. You feel happy to see Andy, and comment on the loss of his hair.

Frozen Jam and a Drama Free Life


You are indoors, talking to a woman who is an actress. Outside Peter Green has a boom mic to record our conversation for an episode of Eastenders

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You are not projecting your voice enough. We do the scene over and over. There’s traffic noise and school kids shouting. Peter does a presentation to them about sound recording. You realise that things you liked as a young man, to make you seem cultured and stand out, now make you a stereotype, a parody of yourself. The kids think you are weird for listening to George Formby and Radio 4
 
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You have a small blue leaflet from the Arcane School which is a guide to reenacting a Robert Rankin novel. 
 
Phil Jupitus and another guy play the role of the professor. We are joined by Tom Morgan and his girlfriend. You are happy for the company. Previously you spent days tracing the route of the Brightonomicon by yourself. 
 
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At the Professors house, we fly on possessed dancing chairs until we vomit mince and fried onion, watch a surreal movie air streamed to multiple devices and eat ice-cream and frozen jam made by Tony Hancock
 
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Outside two women are arguing. They are identical, but one has red hair. She shouts and loves drama. The other one walks off. You realise you prefer a drama free life. 
 
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Sightless Bird


I am in bed. On top of my wardrobe is a strange, lanky, black, eyeless bird. It jumps down and drinks some water. It is an insectivore. I am scared of its long beak, I know that it’s dangerous. It hops back up to its nest before I can open a window and push it outside. 

 
 
I talk to it, and tempt it down from the wardrobe with water and food. After a few attempts I manage to get it out of the window. 
 
It transforms into a seagull. It looks a bit annoyed and cold, it glides away on white wings. 
 
 
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Crazy Scots and the Mariachi Police


I am looking after Jenny’s flat while she’s away. It’s messy and I’m trying to clean up. I turn round and there’s a crazy Scotsman there with white powder on his face. I ask who he is, quite aggressively. He tells me he’s popped round to borrow some flour. I let him get some then shoo him out. There’s another two I find on the way out. One hiding upstairs. They are brothers. I finally get them all out of the flat and tell the concierge downstairs not to let anyone in without my express permission. 

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I return upstairs and begin to tidy up. Someone’s coming round and I want it to be neater. 
 
I find a glossy paper map. It has a button on it to update it to the latest version. I press it and wait. I have to enter a four digit code for each area on the map. I am having difficulty reading the instructions. 
 
I am cycling to a friends house. It is a young Kevin Rose. He is about to start a podcast in Manchester, promoting and getting sponsorship from Holts brewery. He also manages a band with Jai on drums which will become The Police. He’s talking about how he can fully exploit the band, employing them to code when not making music. I can see into the future. Jai will leave for a better offer and Kevins’ business will fail. 
 
 
 
We drive to the singers house. He is Mexican. On the way Kevin is paranoid that the government want to kill him. 
 
 
The singer has produced a Mexican sounding version of “Can’t Stand Losing You” in Spanish. I like it. He has two black labs, one twitches continually as it has a brain disease.  I cycle in his house with him on the back of my bike, trying not to damage any instruments. We head outside and I take us down a very steep hill into the city centre. I jump a traffic island to get into the correct lane. 
 
Now I am Kevin Rose. My passenger is shaken when we stop on Market Street. I apologise for getting carried away. 
 
I head back to Jenny’s  flat. Outside it is flooded. The tide is in and I have to swim over to the door to swipe my way in. I am still Kevin Rose. 
 
I sit with Kevin and thank him for all the episodes of Diggnation that cheered me up so much. We reminisce about some of the best bits and the great chemistry him and Alex had. I also talk to him about The Broken. He tells me what hard work it was. 
 
 
I take Kevin for a beer. On the way I meet Tawanda and a bunch of recent graduates. We go into a very old fashioned looking bar. I tell Kevin I’ll get him a Guinness. 
 
Inside there are disabled kids talking in one room. The main hall is a very civilised cafe with no alcohol. I read some of the info on the wall. I thank the owner for his work. We go elsewhere. 
 

Plague in Prague


I am in the grounds of a school, there’s a huge statue with a hidden switch in the base that opens a doorway. When I go in, I see that it’s smaller on the outside.

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The door closes behind me and I describe to people outside what I can see. They can hear me through the wall. There’s a whole alternate reality here. I step out into it and explore. I realise things are different here. In my head is a message telling me to stop the plague in Prague. Even if I have to invent time travel to do this, I must do it. 

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I enter a street in Prague. At the end is a large cobble floored hall. Only one man is in there. I ask him if he is a doctor. He says no. I ask if he knows a way to stop the plague. He says the only way to stop it is to kill everyone who already has it. This may involve destroying entire cities and some uninflected people too. 
 
 
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