A Parrot and Two Pugs

A house. A parrot and two black pugs piss on me. I go to take a shower. Chris follows me. He wants to borrow a Santa costume and a jacket to kill a woman who has been using scopolamine to steal from him for years. He read about her in the Daily Mirror. I know that I will be implicated, but I let him use the clothes anyway. He doesn’t understand quite how advanced modern forensics are.

I am planning a short trip down the coast with friends. We discuss walking and cycling. We are on a bus. My friend Jess feeds back our discussion to the bemused passengers, who couldn’t care less.

We decide to walk. We visit a stately home with furniture modified to glow spookily, for evenings when they host haunted house parties.

Outside, the ground begins to shake. I worry that this is an earthquake. Rocks fall from the sky and we run.

The quake is over. We are being invaded. I run at ridiculous speeds. We have to get into the countryside to evade the enemy. We see tanks approaching, and hide on a nearby village. I realise Chris has got away with murder, and head home.

I wrap up the Santa suit and jacket in tinfoil, planning to burn it. I get in the shower, it’s good to feel clean again.

As I leave the shower, my neighbour tells me someone came to read the meter. I thank her and head out into the night, to find my friends. As I dodge my way down alleyways to avoid soldiers, I see a strange aircraft descend and fire on them. Their country has been invaded. I’m excited. I can’t wait it tell Steve there’s going to be a Red Dawn 2. Wolverines!



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